A Lament

I have been so sheltered. Up until now the only implications that my gender has had on who I am in Christ is the occasional party or lunch meeting. It seems that I have, once again, been humbled by the grace of God. I have been brought up in heaven. For heaven is where the Kingdom of God comes to earth. In Christ making me like himself, throughout my life he has enabled others, who have been advocates on behalf of women (like me) who are lead into leadership and the 'equipping of the saints,' to open the Kingdom of God to me. Now that I see that heaven is not the norm for the world, I am in a place to realize the grace that God has allowed me up until now. I am sad that man does not measure me by my heart. I join the cry of God's children in saying, "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair, persecuted, but not abandoned, struck down, but not destroyed (2 Cor 4:8-9). The signs were not blatant. A glance by One, at all the guys at the table, that excluded only me, a feeling of dismissal, and a realization that 'pastoral' ministry was on the top of the unwritten list of important things for the determination of important people were the warning signs. Most hard to swallow, and easiest to ignore, was the 'opportunity' of one man. He ended the night by approaching me and telling me that an opportunity might be available; not for me, but for my fiance. I am disappointed because I was not seen, and I was not validated. I am the one who bakes bread for another to eat. I am disappointed at myself for groveling at the importance of a man who offered me an offense while offering my finance a job. I, too, judge man by his outward appearance. As a ebed of my Lord, here is my response:

Lord how long will you abide in shadows?
I am attacked in daylight by my brother
There is no one to affirm my identity
My tears are scorned by my own
I am tempted to forget who you made me in order to become desirable
Why has your desire for me not attacked me?
Why am I not protected from ignorant insults of insignificance?
For your sake I endure insults
I appear fine, but you hear my despairing cry!
My bones cry out and my composure lies
I cannot deliver myself from the trouble I endure
I deserved death, but your grace is sufficient
Apply my identity to my humanity!
As my lawyer, defend my mind and my heart
Act on the behalf of your servant
When you restore my honor, I will worship you
I will declare to your face the tears of humility
When you rescue me I will remember your love
Deliver me for your own name's sake
I am your dependant one
I will speak of the Christ forever

-Emily